A lot has happened since I realised I was a month and so pregnant. My days then filled with nausea, gastric problems, tiredness, and so on and so on.
First week of February 2020, my water suddenly broke. Just like that. Unannounced and unexpected. In that blissful Saturday afternoon when the movie I was watching not even hit its best part as yet.
No need to panic - I thought. I took a bath at my own pace. After that, I dried my wet hair using my favourite Babyliss dryer, picked up my Tumi luggage and went to the hospital with my mom and niece.
When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the emergency room. The GP examined me but could not make any decision as to what to do with me. We waited for several hours until the Ob-gyn arrived and performed her examination.
Turned out, my baby was still far away from the birth canal meanwhile my water was about to dry. So, the ob-gyn encouraged me to have a C-section as normal delivery was not possible and could be dangerous if I insisted. Then, I started to panic.
Never before I imagined to deliver her via C-section. I always want a normal delivery. It may be painful, but at least I have a control over my body. With C-section, I do not. I can only surrender myself in the hands of the experts.
I remember the chills behind my neck. The goosebumps. The loneliness (my husband was somewhere else at that time). But, I did not have the whole day to dwell on fear nor loneliness. I must made a decision. Stat. So after a few minutes of contemplation, I agreed to undertake the operation.
I entered the operation theatre with no one but fear. The cold room temperature just made it worse. My body started to tremble. I could only pray for the smooth sailing of everything.
The doctors team explained to me briefly about what I would be experiencing for the next hour or so. Nothing pretty, trust me. But, we had to do it anyway.
They started to inject the anaesthetic at my back then put me to lie down on that operating table. As I lied there, my feet started to feel numb. I could not feel anything from waist below. I knew they were doing something to my belly but I could not see anything. 30 minutes later, I heard the cry of my baby. A very loud ones. Now I understand how tears of happiness feels like.
Rewinding to the moments I went through: the failed IVF, the dieting, the boss who does not like pregnant women, the sarcasm from others thrown at me for not getting pregnant (remember that dysfunctional cousin), the nausea, gastric acid and other not so beautiful moments. Nothing, that I regret. No one whom I blame.
All of those not so pretty moments is part of my continuous learning. I am one stubborn student anyway. So, I am thankful for having to experience them. They thought me to trust Him more, to be patient, to be less childish, and most importantly to be ready for whatever challenges life may bring.
Like a butterfly (or Papillon in French) that is born from an ugly cocoon, that's what my road to motherhood looks like. Who would have thought, all those ugly moments deliver me to finally meet my beautiful little daughter. She has a light skin, pointy nose, thin lips and thick black hair.
Welcome to the world, my little Papillon. We (your mum and dad) love you very much! Even when you are still a tiny little seed inside my belly. I know my life will change drastically because of you and for whatever comes ahead in the future, we (our little family) are in this together. In His name. Amen.
First week of February 2020, my water suddenly broke. Just like that. Unannounced and unexpected. In that blissful Saturday afternoon when the movie I was watching not even hit its best part as yet.
No need to panic - I thought. I took a bath at my own pace. After that, I dried my wet hair using my favourite Babyliss dryer, picked up my Tumi luggage and went to the hospital with my mom and niece.
When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the emergency room. The GP examined me but could not make any decision as to what to do with me. We waited for several hours until the Ob-gyn arrived and performed her examination.
Turned out, my baby was still far away from the birth canal meanwhile my water was about to dry. So, the ob-gyn encouraged me to have a C-section as normal delivery was not possible and could be dangerous if I insisted. Then, I started to panic.
Never before I imagined to deliver her via C-section. I always want a normal delivery. It may be painful, but at least I have a control over my body. With C-section, I do not. I can only surrender myself in the hands of the experts.
I remember the chills behind my neck. The goosebumps. The loneliness (my husband was somewhere else at that time). But, I did not have the whole day to dwell on fear nor loneliness. I must made a decision. Stat. So after a few minutes of contemplation, I agreed to undertake the operation.
I entered the operation theatre with no one but fear. The cold room temperature just made it worse. My body started to tremble. I could only pray for the smooth sailing of everything.
The doctors team explained to me briefly about what I would be experiencing for the next hour or so. Nothing pretty, trust me. But, we had to do it anyway.
They started to inject the anaesthetic at my back then put me to lie down on that operating table. As I lied there, my feet started to feel numb. I could not feel anything from waist below. I knew they were doing something to my belly but I could not see anything. 30 minutes later, I heard the cry of my baby. A very loud ones. Now I understand how tears of happiness feels like.
Rewinding to the moments I went through: the failed IVF, the dieting, the boss who does not like pregnant women, the sarcasm from others thrown at me for not getting pregnant (remember that dysfunctional cousin), the nausea, gastric acid and other not so beautiful moments. Nothing, that I regret. No one whom I blame.
All of those not so pretty moments is part of my continuous learning. I am one stubborn student anyway. So, I am thankful for having to experience them. They thought me to trust Him more, to be patient, to be less childish, and most importantly to be ready for whatever challenges life may bring.
Like a butterfly (or Papillon in French) that is born from an ugly cocoon, that's what my road to motherhood looks like. Who would have thought, all those ugly moments deliver me to finally meet my beautiful little daughter. She has a light skin, pointy nose, thin lips and thick black hair.
Welcome to the world, my little Papillon. We (your mum and dad) love you very much! Even when you are still a tiny little seed inside my belly. I know my life will change drastically because of you and for whatever comes ahead in the future, we (our little family) are in this together. In His name. Amen.
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| image is taken from: sciencemag.com |
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